Driving my life away

It was a warm day..i remember that much but how much after that I don’t remember, I don’t remember the time spent before work or what I did those first four hours but I know that I would have looked at my watch a lot. I felt stuck in a spot that I didn’t want to be and I didn’t know how to get out of it. It was a feeling that I couldn’t tell anyone else about because it was such a surreal feeling. There I was working at Wal-Mart but because of my own mistakes and pure laziness, I was living month to month to a motel not really having any future at all..like a trapped dog, that’s what I felt like. My back was against the wall but I didn’t know what I was going to do next. I was not sure what my plan was or what I was doing. How I even got to that spot was something of a mystery to me at the time. Now I know that I ended up where I did purely because of my own growing demons and mistakes. I was waiting for that moment when I would be able to pull myself up and out..but there I was waiting and waiting and waiting some more. There was more than a few weeks where I didn’t have enough money to pay for the room and in my car slept. Just me and my car. My stuff in the trunk. Everything I own was there. those where dark days and yet when I made the bold move, I thought that I was doing something about it, that somehow I was going to finally pull myself out, had I only know what was to come. But on that warm July day things were ok still. The next year and the long road out of hell and the mistakes that lead me to go to san Antonio was far off. At that moment I stood outside the Walmart that had been my daily home for a few years waiting for a sign that said that I needed to do what I was about to do… I was on my lunch but I never went back to work. Instead I got in my car with all my stuff and I just drove away, first to the end of the parking lot and after a few calls the end of one chapter in my life was done and another was just getting started. I can’t tell you why I did what I did but I did it, there is no real reason to go around that. Somehow thru a mixture of youthful pride and pure dumb luck I had ended up in a motel waiting for life to turn around. But I was done. I thought that I wanted more and that I just needed a new start and I could have that. I cracked and walked away. It was not the first time I had made a foolish mistake and it was by far not the last. I drove till almost 2am and ended up crashing on the couch of a friend. After many years of growing up and sleeping on a couch in my parents living room, I never was so glad to be on a couch again. It beat the hard feel of the hotel bed or the cramp feel of the car. Sunny days I hoped were coming my way


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