I have never been sure if I am doing anything right in my life. I always come to these crossroads in my life and with a toe in the water and I wait to see what will happen. The winds can blow left to right or right to left but I wait for that wind to blow. I leave myself in the hands of a power I do not understand nor do I pretend to find as a part of my life. I had that dream again of being at the beach and I can feel the water of the wave as it starting to fall down upon me. At first it was just a few drops, just enough to remind me of what is coming but now it is a lot more. My shoulders are wet and so is my hair and I wipe my forehead because that wave that is about to hit my body is closer than ever before.
The simple truth of it all is that I am afraid. I am afraid that I am making a mistake but in me being afraid, the lives of others hang on what I do next. I know what I need to do next and even if it breaks her heart, It is the right thing not only for me but for her. A moment of pain is better than a lifetime without joy. I still have faith and love for her and so it’s that same love that drives me to do what is right for her. Many times we do things because we are sure what is right is us, that we are the answer to what ever problems others might have, however in this case, as much as it hurts me to say it I am not that answer. It took her love and my own pain to see that who I am was not me and who she needs is not someone like me.
The gray skies rise over me over today and maybe tomorrow but someday it will shine and someday this wave will hit but I have faith, it’s all I have at times, that I will not wash away with the water but that the water will clean me and I will come out of this water better than I have been. I was not her hero but a hero is never like it is made out to be in the movies, a hero has flaws and sometimes they do not save the girl. But she does not need superman to save her, she needs a superman to stand next to her as one.
Broken hearts heal in time, Lord they have to. In time we will both look back at this time and understand what happened was a part of living and growing and the pain will not be as hard as it is right now. Someday we will be OK.
“The future’s uncertain, and the end is always near”- The Doors
“Maybe soon the storm will be Tired of blowing’. Maybe soon it all will be over, amen. How do you go on, if there’s no way Of knowing’? Will the sun ever shine? Wish I could say. Send me a sign- One little ray. Lord, if you’re listening’, how long Until then? Will the sun ever shine again?”- Bonnie Raitt
“And when one of us is gone. And one of us is left to carry on. Then remembering will have to do. Our memories alone will get us through. Think about the days of me and you. You and me against the world.” -Helen Reddy