not ready to make nice

I want to yell scream, I want to cuss his face off. I want to use words that I know are wrong. I want to open that door and be angry over something that is not his fault. I’m mad and no amount of drugs will kill this rage that is pumping thru my veins. I want to yell and scream but I’m not going to do anything. There is no point in getting mad at him, the only one that it would do any good for is me.

Our childhood pains affect us all in different ways. No matter who we are or where we came from, we all have some kind of pain. Mine has made me a man who holds on tights to all kinds of bitterness that is a coat that I now wear. That darkness that I hold on to is what feeds me and drives me. I have no desire to be liked by others or any need to make others feel better. I have a drive to blow away all the pain and loneliness I have in my heart away. I want to blow it so far away from that I never have to think about it again.

The fight did not have a name, in my mind its called the costco fight because it happened after we had gone shopping at costco. I exploded at her for reasons that I can not really. I threw packets of chicken at her and all over the place and I’m sure I pushed her out of my way. That rage came and went so quickly that I have no idea where it went.   I’ll be ok this time too, I just need to forget about it. I’ll be ok.


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