Hope floats

I’m not sure anymore what will make me happy. Am i happy? What does happy even mean? These are questions that we have to ask ourselves. I need to take control of my life before it takes control of me. I know how to say no and think of myself but I need to really focus of inner happiness. This is not happiness that is made by having others around me or by having things, It is a happy that comes from living.

I wonder if wondering is my fate. but don’t lose hope in me just yet.

and its blind leading blind, and its the stuff, the stuff of country songs.

and you spend your life waiting for a moment to come, a second chance when you don’t feel good enough…

but i’d give up forever to touch you

I never said thank you enough and I’m not sure I could say it enough right now but thank you, no im not going to sing wind beneath my wings but i would not be here right now without you because in my failure i learned that happiness comes from not in what we do for others but also what we show…maybe someday ill allow myself to be free enough to do that. So thank you in everything you did for me and everything I learned from you and did you ever know that you were my…


I bought a TV to try to tell myself that I was going stay in things for the long haul, that I just needed time and with time I would find the answers that I needed. I looked and I never found them, instead what I found was a truth that I didn’t want to grasp around with my hands. and so things ended. I looked into my heart and into my mind and I found a small whisper of something that scares me. Taking the TV is a way of telling myself that i am here for good because how do you take something like that but the secret that i don’t share with anyone is that I don’t want to be here anymore. My desire is long gone and I miss home. Which is my I can not say yes to a relationship that is not only good for me but one that I could be somewhat happy. If i say yes then I can not just leave like I want to. And so a TV and a relationship are put on hold because my own soul misses something It can not have and that is home. So I rather have the TV in the hands of someone who will take care of it and I leave things how things where they are in my relationship because they are safe this way…maybe someday ill just say fuck it and stay or just go. and like ol’ Red said..get busy living or get busy dying.

“In July 1968 Life magazine published a shocking cover showing a pair of starving children in Biafra. Jobs took it to Sunday school and confronted the church’s pastor. “If I raise my finger, will God know which one I’m going to raise even before I do it?”

The pastor answered, “Yes, God knows everything.”

Jobs then pulled out the Life cover and asked, “Well, does God know about this and what’s going to happen to those children?”

“Steve, I know you don’t understand, but yes, God knows about that.”

Jobs announced that he didn’t want to have anything to do with worshipping such a God, and he never went back to church. He did, however, spend years studying and trying to practice the tenets of Zen Buddhism. Reflecting years later on his spiritual feelings, he said that religion was at its best when it emphasized spiritual experiences rather than received dogma. “The juice goes out of Christianity when it becomes too based on faith rather than on living like Jesus or seeing the world as Jesus saw it,” he told me. “I think different religions are different doors to the same house. Sometimes I think the house exists, and sometimes I don’t. It’s the great mystery.”



and of course the one rare time that I wanted to have sex, that switch had been hit on by mistake, I can’t get hard and there goes that. At least I didn’t say anything so i would not look like a fool. I know what she would have said, that it’s OK not a big deal… but I know it is…if maybe only to me…it is. pleasing a woman is not in my deck of cards.


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